Divorce etiquette? Getting along afterwards...

[Eric]

http://www.dallasnews.com/sharedcontent/dws/fea/texasliving/stories/011205dnlivdivorce.72d46.html

The Dallas Morning News
11 January 2005

Divorce etiquette? These women wrote the book
By Lelsie Garcia

Jann Blackstone-Ford and Sharyl Jupe are friends. They work for the same organization. They live just eight houses apart. Their children get along well together.

They've also been married to the same man. Ms. Blackstone-Ford's husband of 15 years, Larry, was first married to Ms. Jupe and is the father of her son and daughter.

So how do these two women not only share custody of those children, but maintain a friendship? Some ex-spouses can hardly tolerate the other being in the same city, no less go to lunch or celebrate Christmas with the ex ? and his/her new spouse.

In a word: children.

"Put the kids first," says Ms. Blackstone-Ford from her house in California. "Get over yourself."

The two coined a phrase to replace "stepfamilies," a word they say often has a negative connotation. They decided on "bonus families," because a bonus is a reward for a job well done. And, they say, "it's hard work to be a good bonus parent."

The two co-wrote a book, Ex-Etiquette for Parents: Good Behavior After a Divorce or Separation (Chicago Review Press; $14.95) to help others in blended families find peace with one another.

Here are some tips Ms. Blackstone-Ford offers, and which she and Ms. Jupe elaborate on in their book:

- Plan early. Birthdays, holidays, vacations all need a plan.

"People don't understand how early a plan needs to be made, how important a plan is, and how important it is to have a plan in place to deviate from," she says.

- Communicate and cooperate. "People think once you're divorced, you don't have to cooperate with each other," she says. "That's not true; your kids are watching every move you make. If you're going to present the new marriage as a possible thing, you have to make the most out of your divorce."

Plans are for the kids, not you. Sometimes, parents are inflexible about their allotted time with the children. Bad move, Ms. Blackstone-Ford says.

"Whose time are we talking about?" she asks. "It's not the two parents' time with the children; it's the children's time with them."

If your 12-year-old son wants to watch football with his dad on one of your evenings, let him.

- Showing cooperation teaches cooperation. "If you can set it up so the kids can see it's possible to interact, they won't be negative about getting married themselves," she says.

By communicating in a positive way, you're teaching kids how to solve conflicts in the workplace and in life.

The lesson: "You can get along even if you don't particularly like someone," she says.

- Let your children see you forgive each other. "If they see resentful, angry parents, they'll think that's how it should be," Ms. Blackstone-Ford says.

If you want to get along, you'll get along. If you don't, you won't.

"People ask how long it will take," she says. "It's up to you. It takes a couple of years to get over a divorce, but if the children are watching, you'd better get yourself together sooner."

- Keep negative feelings about your spouse to yourself. If you say something negative about your former spouse to your child, she says, that hurts them, not your ex.

"They're wounded in their hearts because that person you're bad-mouthing is half of them," she says.

- Deep-six the comparisons ? exes to new spouses, bonus children to other children, your marriage to your ex's marriage with his or her new spouse.

"It's disastrous to your self-esteem," Ms. Blackstone-Ford says. "It's a total waste of your energy; it undermines you as a person."

- Make good communication your goal. "Do you want to be promoted? Then you do the things you have to do in order to be promoted. Do you want to get along with your ex? Then you do it; you just do it," she says.

Granted, it isn't always possible. When there's been drugs or violence or mental illness, "this cordial stuff won't work," she says.

For more information, go to http://www.bonusfamilies.com/

Email: lgarcia@dallasnews.com

[Guest]

I am a second wife and have tried my damndest to be friendly and approachable to my partner's ex.

Unfortunately, despite the fact that she left him and I played no part in his life until ten months after the separation that 'she' initiated to be with another man, she views me as the enemy. I am being treated with derision and scorn. My step-daughter has become, after our initial warmth and her acceptance, cold and resentful towards me, no doubt a result of her mother's PAS methodology. She hugs and treats her step-father with warmth, referring to him as 'Dad'...but I have been cast in the colloquial wicked step-mother role.

No, I don't expect to be referred to as 'mum'. But it would be nice to be acknowledged, and not ignored. In phonecalls to her father, she never mentions me as she previously did. Away from her mother's hawkish presence, she is slightly warmer, but there has been a noticeable depreciation in her attitude towards me. She no longer hugs me, or allows me to tickle her. On the seldom occasions I do see her, she insists on having her father to herself.

This is my first marriage. Had I known what hurt, despair and heartache I would be facing as a second wife, perhaps I would have reconsidered my options.
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